Peace Or Grief

Which Will You Choose?

In deep sorrow, choosing Peace or Grief seems like a no-brainer, but it is not. Your heart leads you one way while your mind takes you in a different direction. After our son’s diagnosis, I often felt like I was losing my mind because of the struggle between emotional overload and sanity.

In my childhood, I learned that no matter what came my way, I did not have choices, and life went on the same sad way. In adulthood, I realized I was solely responsible for every choice.

If you have read my survival stories, beginning with Midwestern Backstory, you know I am a Trust In God But Row Away From The Rocks kind of gal.

Grief

The trauma of muscular dystrophy, in either form, would soon determine Hayes’ daily life. It forced us to think about one of the most challenging social, emotional, medical, educational, and spiritual futures any child would have to survive. Peace, at this point, seemed more like a mirage, like you see in the movies when someone is dying in the desert.

Here is how I felt in silence about Hayes’ diagnosis: “Being in prolonged deep grief is like having a perpetual migraine headache. The pain is an unbearable throbbing that I think is going to burst, and I am going to die. The intensity involves every inch of my outer and inner self.

I cannot breathe. I feel so nauseous that I dare not move. I desperately want to feel alive again, but I cannot stand to have anyone around. The mention of food or drink makes me even paler.

I cannot stand any form of light. I quickly want darkness if any light should creep into my people-free room. I am not able to function and go about my regular daily routine.

I am not myself. I want peace and quiet. Peace from the pain and quiet for comfort. My mind is on lockdown. I fight the sorrow every minute to survive the heartbreak I will never get rid of.

I feel like no one else understands what I am going through. Where are my friends? I keep thinking that No one except God truly understands my pain because he lost his only son, and we will too, without a cure for muscular dystrophy.“

Did you notice there are sixteen “I’s” in the six short paragraphs above? That is the power of grief. It instantly pulls you into the I-solation mode, and then you surrender your peace and joy to its hold on you.

Instead of surrendering, try to shift the conversation in your mind to what would (name the beloved you dearly miss) want for me at this moment? Then, please write it down and keep it in a prominent place as a daily reminder.

Another thing that helps me is to write down all the thoughts and feelings I cannot speak out loud just yet.

Some People

The one thing people who are in deep grief do not need more of is trauma and drama. Please remember to use words that support, show love and friendship, and are non-judgmental. I promise you that whatever you say will be long remembered. Let your words and actions be comforting, sharing memories and hugs. Just listen.

I thought about how relationships are forever in motion, and daily life holds no guarantees for any of us.

Pete and I had to figure out the greatest challenge of our relationship. How were we going to deal with the devastating day-to-day decline of our only child who brought unconditional love, purpose, and joy to our marriage?

What would the quality of Hayes’ life be? What about Mary Kate, the second child we had talked about having? How would Pete handle things? Would he start drinking again?

Through the years, people constantly enter and exit our lives. My peace often left with their friendship and I asked myself, “What did I do wrong?”

Grief Support Circle

Some people are not real friends but what’s in it for me friends who want to use you and take advantage of your kindness. Because of my dysfunctional childhood, it took me decades to figure this out.

Some choose new people over old friends. Some want or need to live in a different geographic location to take care of or be with family members. Some storm out in anger over something they perceived devalued them and was unfair.

Some people never think about their purpose in life. Some never hear the words “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.” Others never realize they are free and not handcuffed to the misery of their childhoods.

Some pain burrows so deep inside a raging soul that the cause is never spoken. Many choose medication, toxic substances, and other self-destructive behaviors instead of dealing with reality.

Children grow up, move out, and search to find the meaning and passion of their lives. Some souls leave when they have finished teaching and/or learning on this earthly campus.

A few stand by you no matter how imperfect the circumstances for friendship are.

You might wonder why I wrote about Some People in such detail above and what they have to do with your peace. The answer is another question: How many friends or family members stood by you in your darkest moments? The ones that did are your Grief Support Circle to help you live in peace, not grief.

Christmas Tree Peace

Did you know that in many countries, it was believed that evergreen boughs that hung over doors and windows kept away witches, ghosts, evil spirits, and illness? Some cultures thought of evergreen boughs as a symbol of everlasting life.

The tradition of putting up a Christmas Tree in the United States is mainly seen as a religious symbol that arrived in the early 20th Century.

In writing this survival story, which will be published a few days before Christmas, I realized how important hanging the ornaments on the tree every year renewed my sense of purpose and peace.

The Ornaments

I love the peace I feel when putting up the Christmas Tree. For me, it symbolizes hope for peace in my life, my family and friends, and peace for all the other people and families in the world.

Many who have given me an ornament to hang on my tree are no longer in my life for different reasons. Some friends have transitioned to the great beyond, others no longer enjoy my company, or I have chosen to spend time with friends who do.

Even with the friendships that ended in a negative way, their ornaments still get real estate on my tree, although it might not be a prime spot. Smile. As I remember all who gave me an ornament, I am grateful for the memories and what I learned because of them.

My Faith

The time seems right to share how I got out of bed every morning after we got the news about Hayes, which I wrote about in Diagnosis And Death Certificate.

• My beliefs are quite simple, and I have chosen an open way of thinking. My faith combines a Christian Baptist upbringing and lifelong spiritual belief in a Loving Creator who loves us unconditionally. I believe in respecting other people’s right to choose however they worship.
• I believe God trusted Pete and me to give lifelong care to Hayes and create a fun, fulfilling life for our son.
• I believe I have a unique spiritual purpose. I believe I am here on earth to learn from other people and to teach other people. If I am committed to my spiritual purpose to help others, I will have what I desire.
• I believe every child in the world deserves to be cared for and valued as one of the Creator’s children. I respect all human life and living creatures, the beauty of the earth, and want to never intentionally hurt others.
• I believe there is a conflict-free spiritual life beyond this one. Our energy keeps moving forward from the body left behind.
• I believe I am the only one who can bring and keep peace in my life through my connection with God. God is there when Some People don’t care.

Resource The Compassionate Friends

“The mission of The Compassionate Friends: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The Compassionate Friends provide highly personal comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, brother or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better assist the grieving family.” https://www.compassionatefriends.org

We Are Stardust

One of my favorite singer-songwriters is Joni Mitchell. I love the way she described peace in a verse that appears three times in the song she wrote with the title Woodstock.

I know the holiday season can be stressful and sorrowful as people and families are missing a child, family member, husband, wife, fiance, long-time friend, or beloved pet, to mention a few possibilities.

My wish for you, whatever might be sad and depressing, is that you choose peace and practice peace over grief. It is not easy, but it will be worth it.

Tough Cookie Tip: The universal time clock is ticking, and there is only so much time on earth to figure out our purpose for being born, have enough faith to fulfill it, and continue moving forward through the tears and smiles. Looking up at the stars, especially during this time of year, gives me hope and peace. May your days always be merry and bright!

Copyright © 2022-2025 Marilyn K Fuller. All Rights Reserved.

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