Supper To Self-Protection

Self-Protection

Self-protection and emotional neglect are hard to understand when you are a kid.

Deb and I were on our own when it came to doing homework. Sometimes Dad took us to the Bellwood Public Library when we had to do written reports and needed more information. All those books filled with answers, guidance, and possibilities, in some ways, took the place of my emotionally unavailable parents. To this day, whenever I enter a library, I instantly feel relaxed and hopeful.

I also loved going to school. It gave me another chance to make my mom happy and to get a break from her unhappiness. I felt proud when the teacher handed my work back with “A-Great Job” at the top. I couldn’t wait to show Mom.

Supper

The Results: Did those “A papers” make her proud? No. Did they secure a prime spot on the fridge? No. At supper, did she show Dad? No.

Speaking of supper, here is how I recall the daily routine: My mom grew up in a large family of nine in rural Missouri. She was a fabulous cook and enjoyed baking too. Anyone who grew up eating the Midwestern way will tell you most meals include meat, gravy, biscuits, potatoes, corn, tomatoes, dairy, and dessert. Since I previously revealed that I went to church for the candy, I only looked forward to suppers for the desserts. I confess my addiction is sweets, some might call it comfort food.

Supper time was not the joyful coming together as a family to share how our day went. Dad got home from work around 6 PM. Shortly after his arrival, we would start eating. I think we used to pray because I still remember, “God is good. God is great. Let us thank him for this food. Amen.”

By 6:15, the gratitude had disappeared, and all I remember is yelling, yelling, yelling. It mainly was Mom venting because of something I couldn’t figure out. My dad frequently sucked on Sen Sens. I thought the yelling had something to do with those breath mints. Dad always remained quiet.

Mom served the dessert. Yelling, yelling, yelling, and Dad would leave the table for the secrecy and respite of the garage. By 7 PM, Deb and I helped Mom clear the table and either did the dishes or finished our homework.

Where did Wayne eat? Wherever he was, I wished I was there too.

My Sis and I just took it. Dad fled the scene. As a form of talking and being together as a family, yelling became our idea of normal. Yelling, however, serves no purpose and only crumbles a child’s feeling of being safe at home and in the world.

Faith

I tried to be a good Baptist. I prayed that my parents would start liking each other. I thanked God for the empty lot, baseball, my guardian angel watching over me, and my teachers, who gave me hope and made me feel good about myself.

In addition to my un-celebrated good grades, there were birthdays. My sister remembers her birthdays being celebrated. Mom hung candy canes in the basement because Deb’s birthday is close to Christmas. My sister also remembers having birthday parties. When I asked her what she remembered about my birthday parties, there was silence while she thought about it. Then she shared, “I don’t remember any for you.” There are no birthday party photos either.

Every person deserves and hopes to be celebrated, not just in childhood but all through our lives. It is human nature. During your childhood, if you are denied something you need, again and again, it’s only natural you will shut down and quit trying. This is called self-protection. That’s what I did. After many tries, I stopped showing my school papers to Mom and began throwing them in the garbage. Even when I graduated from McKinley Elementary and received a unique bracelet for Outstanding Student, I kept it for a while but eventually threw that away in the garbage too.

Emotional Neglect

People who are emotionally neglected as children grow up to be adults who must deal with the consequences.

Listed below are the consequences I had to deal with beginning in childhood and into adulthood:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Feeling deeply, personally flawed
• Feeling empty
• Feeling deeply alone
• Difficulty trusting others or relying upon anyone else.
• The other unhealthy thing I learned growing up was anything I did or said didn’t matter. It is quite possible that is why I turned to writing. So out of all that pain emerged one of my true purposes in life, and I am deeply grateful to be a writer.

Please don’t get the wrong impression. I dearly loved my parents. I mostly felt invisible as a child and thought I was a burden on my mom and dad. It wasn’t clear if they loved me. I think that many reading my stories can relate and had a similar or worse situation growing up. I ask you to trust that I am sharing these memories for a positive purpose and outcome.

RESOURCES

I found a helpful article, Childhood Emotional Neglect: How It Can Impact You Now and Later, written by Kimberly Holland. https://www.healthline.com

Part of the article states: “Childhood emotional neglect occurs when a child’s parent or parents fail to respond adequately to this child’s emotional needs. Emotional neglect is not necessarily childhood emotional abuse. Abuse is often intentional; it’s a purposeful choice to act in a way that is harmful. While emotional neglect can be an intentional disregard for a child’s feelings, it can also be a failure to act or notice a child’s emotional needs. Parents who emotionally neglect their children may still provide care and necessities, and they just miss out on or mishandle this one key area of support.”

Stay tuned for the next gripping adventure of The Tough Cookie. Which way will these two Desperados go? By the way of the hammer, the thumb, or the pipe?

Tough Cookie Tip: I hope you can take a break from your troubles. Laughter and distraction often help. I suggest being outside in the sun, visiting the library, having fun times with friends, or whatever activity relaxes you. Choose a fun solution and make it a habit!

Copyright © 2022-2025 Marilyn K Fuller. All Rights Reserved.

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