Unspeakable Secrets And Forgiveness

Unspeakable Secrets and Forgiveness collided. Everything came undone when I thought our family finally had it all. The visual of seeing my mom’s lifeless body in bed completely overtook my ability to function. I desperately wanted to remember that she passed away peacefully in her sleep, but all I could think about was her gray and stiff final memory.

Why were both of Hayes’ grandmothers taken within seven months’ time?

Pete made the arrangements with my brother Wayne, who was the executor of our mother’s will, to fly her remains to Illinois for the memorial services. On the edge of an emotional and physical collapse, I made the agonizing decision that I was too distraught and in shock to travel and care for Hayes or myself. Since I had a phobia about flying, I was overwhelmed by the thought of trying to breastfeed Hayes for 24+ hours (one way) on the train ride from Albuquerque to Chicago.

My family understood. I remember that my sister said she thought Mom died in Albuquerque so I wouldn’t have to make the difficult trip with Hayes back to Illinois during the frigid winter temps.

Pete, who rarely wrote letters and kept most of his emotions inside, reached out to me with these tender words:

Dear Marilyn,

“I am sitting in the funeral home thinking of the events of the past weeks. You have been searching for a reason why your mother passed away in Albuquerque. My thoughts are your mother dearly loved all her grandchildren, and she did not want Debbie, Carly, and the twins to have to find her someday in her condo.

Your mother always looked to you for the strength. Over the many years, you helped referee the fights, helped her solve problems, and took care of the things she could never do.

In her heart, I know she and God did not intend for you to think this was cruel. The time she spent with us will always be precious. In the years to come, it will mean much more. Your mother will always be with us, and she has left a legacy of love to her grandchildren-Pete.”

His heartfelt emotion written on yellow draft paper comforted me, and I tried my best to slowly get back on my feet. When I went through my mother’s things, I discovered a card in her wallet with me as the emergency contact-not my brother or sister who lived in Illinois close by her.

A new year began, whether I was ready for it or not. As a child, I learned I did not want to be an alcoholic like my father who died when I was 19, or angry, frustrated, and mean to the people I loved the most like my mother. There were times when I wondered if my parents even loved each other.

I felt sad for my son, who would never know his grandmother on Pete’s side, and his grandfather or grandmother on my side. Pete’s father in Illinois was the only living grandparent.

As I mentioned in previous stories, only a few family photos were ever taken. Included below are some fun ones that took a lot of courage for me to post, either because of my hairstyle, fashion, or both.

Here is the way I said until we meet again in a letter to my mom:

Dear Mom,

“You know, you always said I was the “independent one. I guess that’s why you nicknamed me Miss Uppington. Maybe it wasn’t that I was so independent but more that I never understood you. Now that I’m a mom, I know more about loving and selflessness. I appreciate the care you gave me during the diaper patrol years and when I was sick-the sleepless nights, the worry, the gray hairs that seemed to be saying, “we shall overcome.”

I’m glad you were able to come out and spend some time with your grandson. I will miss those duets you two were getting so good at. Mom, I hope Hayes will be a hard worker like you and take pride in his attempts.

As we go through this life without you, I’ll try to do my best to raise Hayes with some of the values you instilled in me without passing on whatever hurt made you so angry and unhappy in this life. I am going to have the loving relationship with Hayes that I so wished you and I would have had together for more than just a few days here and there over a lifetime.

After seeing you with Hayes, forgiveness seems the only path to take. Give Dad a hug from me. I hope you are finally at peace. Love, Marilyn”

In a rare moment of guidance, my dad once told me, “Marilyn, when hard times come your way, and they will, what will you do? Will you choose to be happy or sad?” Simple words with a powerhouse message that I never forgot.

The photo below was taken when I visited my mom in Illinois and got sick. Her kind side showed whenever my sis or I weren’t feeling well. I hold on to this memory of her instead of the others.

People dealing with loss and heartbreak also face another choice. Will you find strength and comfort in your faith or hide away? I decided to try and re-enter life from my bedroom prison of grief and depression to focus on my purpose and my promise to God and Hayes.

Deep within, I was haunted by the unspeakable secrets Mom had never shared. Why my father chose to numb himself with alcohol also remained a mystery. I felt I would never completely heal until I knew the secrets of her sorrow. I was 37 and both my parents were gone.

Maximum stress, my constant companion through two moves, a high-risk pregnancy, the legal battle to purchase a filthy, fixer-upper house from the sellers who wanted a quick closing, the death of Pete’s mom, and then my mom’s passing away while visiting at Christmas, all happened in a year and a half. All those back to back circumstances exhausted my trust in people and processes.

Fearful that I would not be strong enough to move forward from one more up close and personal death had me in a chokehold. Even the toughest of cookies can break.

Excellent Resource

According to Certified Grief Counselor, Dr. Alejandra Vasquez, “It can be one of the most traumatic experiences to deal with for anyone who’s ever seen or encountered the dead body of a loved one.

There’s a profound psychological impact upon finding a loved one’s dead body, whether you were expecting it or you came upon it by surprise. The discovery can leave you shocked, stunned, and devastated. It adds an additional layer of emotional pain and suffering to the grieving process.” You can read her excellent article “How to Cope With Finding a Loved One’s Dead Body” by clicking https://www.joincake.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-finding-a-loved-one-dead/

Secrets hide the truth, which causes more pain than if the truth is shared and discussed with family members. Children know more about what is going on than parents give them credit for. Having one more day to make things right is never guaranteed. Please do your best now before it is too late.

Tough Cookie Tip: When a writer loves you, you are never really gone. As my dad said, when things get hard and they will, which choice will you make? Happy or Sad? RIP, DAD AND MOM.

Copyright © 2022-2025 Marilyn K Fuller. All Rights Reserved.

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