The mission of How To Survive After Finding A Loved One’s Body and each of my stories is to show what happened to me, share what I learned, and encourage others to keep moving forward from life’s most unexpected challenges. As I wrote about in The Dad I Loved But Never Understood and Unspeakable Secrets And Forgiveness, finding a loved one dying or their dead body is at the top of life’s most traumatic, heartbreaking events.
Let me emphasize that I hope this never happens to you because the visuals of finding my father dying of a heart attack and finding my mother’s body after she passed away in her sleep stayed with me my entire life.
Immediately Call 911
Shock and the grieving process begins the minute you discover a loved one’s body. I had to call 911 for my father and my mother. When death comes and paralyzes your world, here are the steps for what you should do and be aware of:
The Grieving Process
Grieving is different for every circumstance and every person. Just imagine an emotional roller coaster ride taking you through tears, disbelief, can’t breathe, can’t get out of bed because of depression, fatigue, no hope, regret, and anger, every minute of every day indefinitely. I think the only thing that kept me in my right mind was that I had an infant son to take care of, and I could not afford a nervous breakdown.
Pete and I had no family close by to help us. We had only lived in our new neighborhood a few months before this happened. With a seven 1/2-month-old baby and a fixer-upper house, there was zero free time to develop that elusive “support system” therapists and coaches always mention. No one was coming to our rescue. So, if you have kind, supportive family and friends who check in on you, value and appreciate them! Not everybody does in their times of great need.
If you cannot talk about your feelings because of your loved one’s death and what you saw, and many cannot for months or even years, write the unspeakable down. Let the pain and sorrow find a new home on paper instead of a permanent residence inside your soul so that you can free yourself and move forward.
Pete loved to have fun and party, but talking about feelings was not one of his strengths. I desperately needed to talk about what had happened and called a social worker. During her return call, I explained details about my mom passing away in her sleep while visiting and finding her lifeless body. I talked about my mom’s anger and the emotional and physical abuse in my childhood. I told her about my dad’s alcoholism. I shared I was afraid I would be mean to my son like how she was to me and my sis. She responded, “Well, if you think you need that kind of validation.” I knew from those words she would not be the one who understood and could help me. She never suggested meeting personally, and I never contacted her again.
New Daily Routine After Trauma
After finding my mom’s body, daily life became figuring out a different schedule while I worked through the grieving process and fatigue. Pete worked at a dairy production and distribution plant. He left the house around 4 AM and returned home around 2 PM. She died in our house which was a constant reminder every time I passed by that bedroom door. Spending time with my son was the only thing that helped me get a break from grieving.
The new routine included taking Hayes to my favorite public libraries. I have always loved being in libraries and thought being able to read is critical to living an interesting, active, and fulfilling life. So I hoped my son would one day understand that the ability to read was a necessity-the same as faith, family and friends, love, laughter, good health, meaningful work, water, safe shelter, food, and rest.
The two of us also spent many hours at different city parks mingling with other little ones, moms, dads, and grandparents. He liked to check out the variety of things to climb and swing on. Hayes loved to play with other little people, and I was happy he was gentle and not bossy with his playground peers. (An assumption unfairly made about only children being spoiled and bossy). My son also absolutely adored babies. I could tell early on that Hayes would be a kid with a tender, grateful heart.
Taking care of and sharing fun times with my son was my first priority. Once Pete returned home, whatever energy I had left was spent on the fixer-upper projects. Hayes wasn’t much of a napper, so we could not rely on him sleeping for hours in order to work together.
I tried my best to be a good mom and wife, but the jumbled-up condition of my internal life was getting the best of me. My gut kept seeking closure about my mom’s lifelong unhappiness and my father’s addiction.
Life was tiring on many different levels. Mostly how I remember those days are captured in this photo of me and Hayes.
As I revealed in my early posts, I always felt my parent’s pain and wondered if their problems were somehow my fault.
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Please let me know your thoughts about How To Survive After Finding A Loved One’s Body in the comment box below. Thanks for reading my Tough Cookie Survival Tales!
Tough Cookie Tip: As a parent, the fear I expressed to the social worker is what I know to be a constant worry for many who grew up in trauma behind closed doors. Healing is hard work and a skill you will need to survive joyfully. Please, get the help you need so that you and your children can have the close, long-lasting relationship everyone deserves.
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No one should have to deal with that much sorrow losing both parents at a early age. Did you figure out what lesson god wanted you to learn?
I remember getting the phone call from you that mom had passed. I also remember the shock that went thru my body and mind. I can’t imagine how that must have been for you. You are one tough cookie Sis❤️
Sis, we were most fortunate to have each other. Although we were exact opposites growing up, me baseball, you Barbie, together we always stayed. I believe our tough childhoods prepared us for the strength we needed to survive the great heartbreak of Hayes and Mike leaving us too soon. And to have the determination to break the cycle of generational trauma. You are also one amazing Tough Cookie! XO Always no matter how far apart we live from each other.